THROUGH MY OFFICE WINDOW…….
RANDOM THOUGHTS AND POSITIVE VIBES
Mother nature is being a bit of a B#tch today as I sit and stare through my window. This is my home office, where I am currently working on writing a book about someone else’s life.
Its what Winnie the Pooh refers to as a “blustery day” outside and I cannot seem to focus on the task at hand right at this moment, so I will write here, until I can wrap my head around the next chapter of my project.
I have spent the last 3 weeks at home, recovering from a minor surgery from cervical cancer. My hubby is recovering from surgery for colon cancer, and I am ready to get back to my other “paying” job, and back to reality.
I am not going to lie, the past weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I have wept many times, and have spent countless hours lying in bed at night blinking in the darkness praying for restful sleep. It has been a challenge.
My hubby is recovering so much better than I thought he would, and I recovered so much slower, and more emotionally than I had expected. I am typically the one to “bounce back” after surgery or injury, and he is usually the opposite. He has stayed very positive throughout his recovery, which is unlike his character, and I have been a worrier and found myself going down a rabbit hole of anxiety and depression. I am not sure why.
It could be that this was my 3rd battle with the big “C” word, having gone through a bout of skin cancer (Melanoma) and cervical cancer once before. Maybe its the fact that I am turning 49 this year, and felt that this was “it” when I was diagnosed, and I still have SO MUCH TO DO in life, before I am ready to call it quits. Or MAYBE I was more concerned of his well being that I stuffed my own recovery into the recycle bin, so I could focus on his care. I am not sure.
I am grateful, beyond words that he has maintained his positivity through this whole shit show, and has helped to pull me out my own downward spiral that I created for myself.
I wrote a Blog “We Both Have Cancer” back in January, when we were diagnosed 17 hours apart. It seems like a lifetime ago, as I sit and think about the last 3 weeks. Both of us were leaning on each other, arguing often, and struggling in our own mortality thoughts. It was a rough month, and the start of a scary year.
Through conversations with supporting friends and family, visits with the doctor, and staying as positive as possible, along with taking time to write almost every single day and doing workouts again, I am ready to go back to “real life”. I am ready to stay positive for myself and for him, and I am ready to take on the next chapter of our life. We got this! We made it through it together…and we are stronger for it. Cancer is scary as fuck, but it’s not a death sentence all the time. For us, it has changed the way we see our future, and has made me see the importance of what life is really about. Its not all successes and money. Its about survival and embracing the little things, and knowing how to “live”. It’s about challenges and goals, and hopes and dreams that you work toward, no matter what hurdles or obstacles get in the way. Its about taking time to lean on those who love you, when shit hits the fan, and its about learning to accept support and love when it is offered to you, even if you are humbled by it. Its about your children, and knowing that what you have instilled in them as you raised them will help them conquer their own challenges even when you aren’t there to help them. And for me, it was about allowing your child (mine is now 24 years old) take care of you, and be there for you, even when you have always been their number one supporter and fan.
That’s my thoughts for the day…
Through my office window.
