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YEP, HATE IT! I Have no idea why!

I am not always a huge fan of the whole “sexual” part of my relationship, and although I am not 100% clear why, I just know its a fact.

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MAYBE ITS MY AGE…

~ I am turning 49 this year. I have read MANY article about women my age that cannot get enough sexual pleasure. I have also read that some could take or leave it. Most days, I would rather have a good cup of coffee than deal with my partner groping at me and coming at me with expectations. It sucks, but it’s where I am at these days. This article has some information:

Or this>>

MAYBE ITS HORMONES…

~ I have been taking hormones for about 8 years now, the exact same ones, the exact same dosage, and I have been in “Medical Menopause” the entire time. When I first met my partner, we were always in the throes of passion, and couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so I doubt that is the issues. I definitely don’t need to worry about STD’s or pregnancy, as neither of us are able to get pregnant, and we have been together for 8 years with no other partners.

MAYBE ITS HIM…

~ I will agree that I am not ALWAYS turned on by my partner, but I AM attracted to him. I still like kisses and hugs, and cuddles and such, but I just want to be left alone. I DON’T want to have sex. I have issues sometimes with our relationship, and the lack of communication we can sometimes struggle with, but when it comes time to “make up” after an argument, I would rather sleep than give in. He has gained a lot of weight since we started dating, but I honestly don’t care. He still has the same heart and still loves me. I am not a shallow person and I would hope if I gained weight he would still love me.

MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I JUST HAD SURGERY…

~ Before I went through my surgery in January for cervical cancer, I never wanted to be intimate, like, EVER. I thought “maybe” it was because I had cancer growing in my lady business, and it freaked me out. Turns out, I still have no desire for it, even now, and I am healed.

MAYBE ITS BECAUSE OF PAST ABUSIVE EXPERIENCES….

~ I have worked many years on this, and have been with a few partners, including a husband of 23 years. I don’t think it plays a part in my new dislike. And, it’s not like I have never liked it. Just this past year or so.

MAYBE ITS ME….

~ Sometimes I struggle with self esteem, but I do work on it, and he makes me feel really good about myself, for the most part. I work out regularly, take care of my skin and body, and overall, for someone my age, I feel like I am doing pretty damn good. So, I don’t think it’s my thoughts of myself.

MAYBE ITS STRESS…

~ Stress can definitely play a factor in not wanting to be intimate, but I don’t feel stressed out. Also, many people have said that sex fixes and treats symptoms of stress, but NOPE. No desire.

MAYBE ITS ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION…

~ I was recently diagnosed and treated with medication for a VERY HIGH ANXIETY level and some signs of depression. The medications I take are supposed to help me “get back to normal”. My new “normal” is that I want to be at arm’s length of my partner and NOT engage in any kind of sexual experiences.

MAYBE I’M TOO BUSY OR DISTRACTED….

~ Of all of the above “Maybes” this one may be the closest to the truth. I get distracted easily, looking on my phone at articles, or scrolling through social media, checking emails, and I am always writing lately. I have a full time job that is quite demanding and I have deadlines and goals to make.

It would actually be sad, if I am too “busy” or too distracted to be intimate with my hubby, but I just cannot seem to be able to focus on him, or his needs at this point in time. He has recently had a major surgery for colon cancer, and it was actually a relief to not have the pressures of sexual activity while he recovered. But guess what? He HAS recovered and is constantly “at me” because he missed our intimacy while he was down and out. I was ok with waiting.

MAYBE ITS THE ENVIRONMENT OR THE LEAD UP…

~ Is the TV on? Is there a “lead up” with passion and kisses? Is there anything attractive or a turn on that leads up to being intimate? Is there foreplay? I have no desire to be “wooed” or “wowed” into having sex. Its nice to kiss passionately, and its nice to be “flirted with”, but that’s where I’m good. Typically he starts or I start a “make out sesh” of kisses and hand holding, etc, and I am ok with going to sleep, rather than see where it goes from there. He gets left wanting more, and all excited, and I just quit. And I am OK with that! It seems cruel, but that is just where I am at these days. I only hope that by the time I figue this shit out, I still have a relationship with him. He has been very patient waiting for me to figure it out and try and work on it.

SO NOW WHAT…

I suppose now I need to try and focus on ways to either make him happy, make me happy, or compromise. This feeling is very awkward for me. I have NEVER in my life been repelled by something so strongly against something. I feel like my body rejects another human being coming toward me right now, like two magnets being forced and unable to connect. It’s like going up into an airplane, and given a parachute, even though you never wanted to jump in the first place. The plane is working just fine, why jump?

Our relationship is “just fine” so why push it? At least for me, its going well….

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Writer of relationships / early childhood and mental health . Poetry and fiction dabbler

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