JUST F**KING CUT THEM OUT!
It makes me insane that my daughter has this insane ability to just “cut all ties” with people she breaks up with, gets hurt by, or people she disrespects. This is her belief:
Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.” — Hussein Nishah
I DO NOT have this ability. I am the person who has EVERY Ex (except the ones who have blocked me) on Facebook and Instagram. I even have a woman who spent 3 years bullying me at work on Facebook, JUST IN CASE.
I have no idea why. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a “keep your enemies closer” frame of mind, but then part of me wonders if it is a cry for the people who have hurt me, to just LIKE ME.
I do, have this very strange ability to build walls between myself and others in order to keep my emotions in check. I honestly can sit and visualize myself with bricks and a pail of mortar, building the wall, brick by brick. I never visualize a wall I can’t climb over, however. Is that weird?
When I was a child, I had a shitty life. I suffered abuse at the hands of people I trusted, and instead of allowing it to dictate the rest of my life, I learned my own defense mechanisms. While I was enduring pain, throughout an abusive “session”, I could shut my brain off and paint an entire barn red, in my mind. I could go over music lyrics in my head from a very young age, and at times I suffered at the abuser’s hands, silently humming songs like “Magic Bus” or “Crocodile Rock” just to pass the worst moments. I was an extremely visual and audial child and it was the reason I coped and survived.
Years later, I learned, through teaching myself visualization exercises that I can tolerate a lot of pain, at the dentist for example, or recovering from surgery, simply by concentrating on building a brick wall, between myself and the pain. I close my eyes, imagine the red bricks and the mortar, and I smear the mortar between rows and lay the layers of bricks, brick by brick. My doctor has actually told me since I was very young, that I have an extremely high pain tolerance. I credit my walls.
When the bastards who abused me finally went to trial when I was old enough to charge them, I got through court the same way. When the opposing lawyer started to grill me with questions, and tried to “trip me up” on my answers, I became a stoic brick layer, determined he could not penetrate my invisible wall. The walls also allowed me to deal with the aftermath and putting them behind bars. My walls have become my super power.
With all of this said, however, I still have this extremely annoying habit of staying in touch with people who have done damage to me over the years, and I honestly can’t explain why. I don’t really care if they like me or not, and I honestly am not affected by their account profiles. I suppose I just want to see what their lives are like without me in them? I really don’t know. All I know, is that I need to be a fly on the wall for people who have inflicted pain on me. Perhaps its another mechanism that will possibly forewarn me if they are coming at me again? Or maybe, its my own way of maintaining control over them, as now I have the power to delete them if I wish to….. I wish I knew….
I am not a fan of confrontation and I dislike when people treat me like crap. I find it easier on all of us, if I just sit back and hope for Karma to swing her baseball bat at people who harm others.
I don’t keep tabs on these people and don’t “creep” them. If they add me as a “friend” I laugh and think to myself “Okay, lets see how this goes”, and literally YEARS later, they are still there with no words exchanged between us, ever. My work bully is on my friend’s list, BUT she is unable to see anything I post. (Maybe its a power thing), however, I know if I delete her, she will make sure that everyone in my office is informed of our “situation”, so its just not worth it. My first very abusive boyfriend added me on Linkedin awhile ago, and out of PURE curiosity, I added him, and was delighted to see that his once muscle bound physique is now old and obese. Perhaps it is all about control and power……nothing more, nothing less, but I cannot “Cut them out” yet. I am just not ready…..