Being a writer can be a lonely world.
In December I started writing a book for a client and began to write regularly on Medium. I have passed on various opportunities to spend time with my “closest friend” and in turn, she has stopped contacting me regularly. It sucks, but it was a choice I had to make for myself.
Would I consider my close friend my “best friend”? Maybe, in that we shared every little problem with each other, talked endlessly about everything, and we know pretty much every little detail about each other.
My question is, however, at what point in our lives do we no longer require having the ONE BEST FRIEND? I am still quite connected with all my high school buddies, and the 3 ladies who stood up for me when I got married. But, as of January, I know longer have that ONE friend that I run to with every laugh or tear in my life. It feels weirdly empty.
I have lived in my current city for just over 5 years, and in that time I have met so many wonderful people. My next door neighbor is like a new mother to me, my colleagues are all wonderful ladies who always have my back, and a few scattered friends around the city spend time with me over wine and the odd lunch and dinner dates. I wouldn’t say I have a TRIBE but the people I associate with are all lovely human beings. I feel blessed.
But, there is that constant pit of my heart that feels hollow now. I have been estranged from my family for years with the exception of my sister. She lives a few hours from me and has a crazy life that I simply don’t fit into. We talk as much as we can, but she is 6 years older than I am, and we have very different lives and worlds.
The best friend that I had, up until January now posts constant pics on Insta and Facebook with her “new bestie”. The irony of that relationship is that I introduced her to her new favorite. A part of me feels tiny pangs of jealousy and bitterness, but then the other part of me gives myself a bitch slap and tells me to grow up. It reminds me of High School and it sucks all over again. ( I wasn’t part of any niches in High School and was dubbed as a “floater” between the jocks, the preps, the headbangers and the cowboys).
When my BFF and I started hanging out, I was newly separated and she was newly divorced. I had originally met her as her wedding photographer, which gave us our own private joke over the past 10 plus years. We have been through a lot together and have always been the Go-To person for each other during every crisis or celebration. And now it has stopped. The last time I saw her was for her birthday in May, when my hubby and I surprised her with our presence. Her “other “bestie” was also there. And it was oddly awkward.
We haven’t spoken since.
Last fall she met a new man and always seemed too busy and distracted to talk with me. I gave her miles of leeway because I have been there. I knew she needed time to get over the new butterflies and newly dating jitters with him, before she could settle back in to her old self. But, she never came back.
She had asked me if I wanted to come for a visit on short notice one weekend, but I had planned to write for two days to get some chapters done and sent away. I told her I was busy that weekend and she shared that she was busy over the next 3 or 4 weekends. She lives 3 hours from me and impromptu plans are tough when you designate writing time for yourself.
That was when the text messages and phone calls stopped.
So, now, here I am feeling like I am missing part of my own body. It sucks, but I will prevail.
People say that your “best friend” should be your husband/partner/wife, and in an ideal world, they are correct. But having THAT ONE PERSON who never judges you, and can always make you feel better, or that you can help get through tough times….is impossible to compare to your spouse. At least for me anyhow.
I am not in the market to find a new best girl to hang with. I simply don’t have the time or energy to start over with anyone. My past life was very complex and I don’t feel like I could share my proverbial baggage with another human. It is so exhausting telling people my story and hoping that there is no ensuing judgement. It is equally exhausting making room in your life for someone who you don’t know, while you try and make attempts to figure them out.
I deal with anxiety and depression and the ONE person who understood that, is no longer part of my world. I refuse to compromise my time with my hubby or for my writing, making me a somewhat undesirable friend.
For now, I am cutting and accepting my loss, and trying not to feel like I am mourning the loss of someone who is very much alive and happy. Perhaps there is a chance that we can reconnect, but at this point in my life, I know it won’t be the same as it once was. That feeling of unconditional friendship is no longer there, and it hurts.
I think, at my age, I need to move on and just be my own best friend. I will learn to lean on my hubby and try and create a best friend in him. At least I know that, no matter what, he won’t cut me out of his life.
The empty void will fill and the hurt will go away. Just not today .