And What You Can do For Yourself
When your brain wants to talk about your feelings but your soul has nothing to say.
You long for sleep but when you awake from 10 straight, medicated hours you don’t feel fulfilled.
You yearn to be alone, but you feel lonely when you take time for yourself.
You have waves of clarity and you know something’s wrong, but you cannot figure out exactly what, or why?
You can be amidst a group of people but still feel lonely and alone.
You want to feel alive , yet you feel like you sometimes struggle to just survive.
You’re never comfortable in your own skin but exhaustion keeps you from doing anything about it.
You look in the mirror and wish you could see someone else’s face. You have a vision of a once happy you but cannot see that face any longer.
You need an escape but your escape leaves you angry or frustrated with yourself -whether it’s a night of binging wine, Netflix or junk food . Even exercise frustrates you when you feel stiff and tired.
Taking on tasks like eating healthy and drinking plenty of water seems daunting and pointless.
Happy times go too quickly and sad times never seem to end.
It’s easy to lie in bed and make excuses to stay there – but you can’t make excuses for not fighting it.
Anxiety creeps in and holds the hand of depression – helping you to spiral into darkness.
You dislike most people and find it hard to fit in – even with your own family.
Your body doesn’t physically hurt – yet you carry so much weight that the pressure hurts your soul.
You want to feel happy but it’s easier to hide and fight your own battles silently.
You’re hungry or thirsty but never know what for.
You have hopes and desires but lack the ambition to make them happen.
You want a hug but the thought of intimacy terrifies you and makes you feel insecure and suffocated.
A simple, heartfelt touch, look, or word can make tears spring from your eyes without warning.
You secretly loathe successful people around you, but fake a celebration in their honour.
You become a professional at hiding your feelings to appear “normal”.
You’re just so damn tired.
Sleep is never long enough or solid enough to make you want to get up and go.
Everything is too hot or too cold as if your senses are heightened and dulled simultaneously.
You want to work hard but you can’t get out the door.
You want to get out the door but your self doubt and fears keep you trapped within your own walls.
Your walls make you feel safe, yet you are always insecure.
You are always “fine” when people ask – nothing more, nothing less.
You wish medication will make you stronger but you feel weak as you swallow it.
You want help, but you know that getting help is a long exhausting road that has been traveled in your mind over and over.
No one wants to talk about “it”- as if it’s contagious or tiring for them.
You become your best critic and your worst enemy.
You can’t trust others as they will talk about how fucked up and crazy you are.
Even the prettiest life, where you want for nothing; material or basic, offers you no rewards.
Rewards you earn yourself mean the world, rewards gifted to you feel like pity and you feel guilty accepting them.
How To Feel Like “You” Again:
You CAN get back on your feet
You CAN move past this
You CAN get your life back and honour your hard work
One step in front of the other
Stand up and put your left foot in front of you . Now your right .
Walk to the kitchen and drink a tall glass of water
Step one and two complete:
You’re up and moving
What will your step 3 look like ?…. A walk? A phone call to find answers? You are UP…try and take on a small challenge.
Think of yourself as a beautiful tree in the forest, or even in your own back yard. Your depression is a dead part of your strongest limb . Sometimes it’s as easy as simply breaking it off, so new life and growth will begin . Other times it could take a few good swings with an ax before you finally shake it off. Or, you get help – someone who can operate a chainsaw to slowly and safely remove the dead weight . They are trained in removing unsafe or tangled branches from the highest trees with the toughest limbs.
Sometimes a state of depression could be as easy as shaking it off , chopping it off, or enlisting help to have it removed once and for all. Lose the dead weight you are holding onto, for no reason.
The alternative, is to let the heavy limb fall off in its own. But, what will it destroy on its path to the ground ? Who will it hurt and what damage will it do? By the time it falls from your tired body, it could become worse and stronger.
No one would judge you for hiring a lumber jack or an arborist to help you get rid of a dead limb on a tee. It will allow healthy new life to grow, more light to shine through and a new beginning for the new space. Why should they judge you for doing the same to the most important part of you- your mental health ? Asking for help or advice from professionals is what we do for everything we don’t know how to fix ourselves… right? That’s why the world has professionals.
Every step matters … whether it’s the first, second, third or tenth . It matters because YOU matter.