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A Clear Picture of the Cloud of Anxiety and Depression

You wake in the morning and its snowing outside, you know you have an hour commute ahead, and you call your boss telling her, “I just can’t make it”. You can tell she isn’t happy with you, as there is a big meeting today, and you couldn’t care less. You get frustrated with her for not being “supportive” and you feel like going back to bed. Within an hour the sun is shining and you punish yourself for not making the drive. You spend the day fretting and wondering if everyone in the office is talking about you, and you hope that they are not all mocking you. You lose sleep over it, to the point where you want to call in again the next day and just spend the day in bed.

> Work is so overwhelming, that its easier to do NOTHING all day and another day of deadlines draw near. You panic and try to get the tasks finished and get angry at yourself for being lazy and careless. You beat yourself up to the point that you no longer believe you can do ANYTHING right. You go back to bed.

> You hate noise, but silence is worse

> You want a hug, but you want to be left alone.

> You want to exercise, but the thought of peeling your tired body out of bed is too much. You make excuses

> You want friends, but only when they aren’t interrupting your “alone” time

> You listen to music, but only if its meaningful enough to make you cry or dance

> Your partner wants sex and you play along, feeling empty and pissed off afterward. You ache for love and tenderness

> You want to eat, but you don’t want to get fat. You look for healthy food but none of it is appealing so you eat a bag of chips while you search the pantry for a protein laden snack that will make your binging moment “ok”

> Some days you feel pretty, but wish your damn hair would grow. Other days you want to smash the mirror when you look at your reflection, shocked by who looks back at you

> You trust No One, and those you are supposed to trust, you trust less than anyone else.

> You want to talk to someone, but you don’t want to explain to anyone, the shit show that is inside your head.

> You’re thirsty, but water makes you gag and those bottles hold SO DAMN MUCH

> You want a glass of wine, but know that you will empty the bottle

> You’re tired but can’t sleep

> You sleep, but can’t wake up

> You’re exhausted, but you have achieved NOTHING

> You hide from the world, watching reruns on TV and wish you could just stay there, mindlessly watching the screen, alone, forever.

> You’re lonely, but don’t want company

> You’re cold, but feel trapped under the covers.

> You want comfort, but have too much inner stress to find it

> You get comfortable and never want to move again, not even to go to bed or work.

> You’re a kind person who wants to love people, but you secretly hate being around people.

> People ask you how you’re doing, and you smile and answer, “I’m great, thanks! How are you?” -inside you KNOW you’re not GREAT and sometimes, you really don’t care how they are.

> You cry over TV shows and songs, but real life tragedy cannot make you shed a single tear.

> Frustration makes you walk away when you should fight, and fight when you should walk away. It also makes you cry, even when you feel dead inside.

> You miss your previous self and wonder where she went, but never want to go back from where you came from.

> You want love and support, and help, but no one understands.

> You want to talk and be heard, but you also have nothing to say.

> You avoid people who love you, but you miss them when they aren’t around.

> Your good days are when you complete tasks, eat healthy, workout and get fresh air. Your bad days are when you literally accomplish NOTHING, not even a shower, or leaving the house.

> You need money, but don’t have the energy to earn it. You go shopping

> You own a ton of clothing, and endless pairs of shoes, but they stay in your closet, taunting you.

> You want to be adventurous, and try new things, but you cannot seem to get out the door to do them. You get excited to try something new, but your anxiety levels won’t let you participate

> You lie in bed wishing you were someone else, and somewhere else, even though you KNOW your life is great. You have the job you worked for, the house you paid for, a new car and want for no materials, but EVERYONE seems happier than you.

> You’re just so damn tired

> When your loved ones try to help, you feel like they are “picking on you” and you resent them

> You wish your loved ones could help you. Its exhausting doing this alone

> The thought of eating food makes you want to vomit, but you could literally eat an entire large pizza or a whole chocolate cake.

> You can’t focus on any one thing, but multitasking is confusing, frustrating and overwhelming.

> You forget what you did yesterday, but can vividly remember where you were on this day in 1987. You have a photographic memory but forgot your lunch on the kitchen counter.

> You avoid your coworkers at all costs. You don’t need their judgement

> You wish you could be more like your coworkers and are sad that they don’t talk to you as a human. You wish they would STOP talking about work at work

> Your friends talk to you and you secretly wish they would be quiet, even though you have no idea what they are saying.

> Your body feels tired and weird pains rear their ugly head occasionally. You go for a run to make your body stronger and to clear your mind.

> You workout to the point where your body is so exhausted that your stiff for 2 days. You’re angry when you get on the scale. You workout harder next time

> You set goals for yourself and don’t appreciate when you reach them. When you don’t reach your goals, you torture yourself.

> The smallest flaw, like a wrinkle, can drive you into obsession, causing you to spend hours trying to fix it. You research, and read and spend money on stupid lying products that don’t make it diminish.

> Your most serious flaws, like your lack of ambition and energy can be excused: You’re just so tired all the time.

> You daze off into space, thinking about nothing, but stressing over everything.

> When something is out of your control, you want to hide. When you can control it, you panic and can’t make a decision. Even dinner options are too overwhelming for you to decide on.

> You want to blog how you feel, but you don’t want anyone to read it. You get angry because people don’t read it after you wrote it.

> You get upset when people try to take control of your life

Mental illnesses, like anxiety and depression can be debilitating. They can ruin the quality of your life and dig their way into your brain, making you see yourself as useless and ugly. The relentlessness of the powerless feeling and emotional bankruptcy is daunting, causing your life to be hazy and out of focus. The tiniest task, such as brushing your teeth can set you into a spiral that is often impossible to come out of.

The claws and talons that anxiety can hold you with, are not physically painful, but they bury themselves deeper into your brain, making your thoughts tangle up into each other like an old box of Christmas lights. Even if you can untangle your thoughts, it consumes so many hours in a day, you become exhausted and lifeless, just from trying to make sense of your worries and struggles.

You cannot often think straight, but when you do, you worry about the smallest issues, and avoid the big ones.

Anxiety has stolen many work hours, a lot of sleep, and the majority of my energy away. I struggle EVERY day to try and move past the demons.

Talk to your doctor and get some medication and DON’T make the mistake of going off of it, “JUST TO SEE” if you’re all better. It doesn’t work that way.

I KNOW I feel better when I work out. I KNOW I feel better if I eat healthy. And I KNOW I feel better if I take my medication. I got cocky and decided that I no longer needed them and just stopped taking them. This has been a rough week.

If you feel like any of the above on a regular basis, please get help. Go and speak with a therapist if need be, and talk it out with someone who doesn’t KNOW you, as they can give you an unbiased dose of observations and assessment. Try and force yourself to look for triggers and focus on how you are “feeling”. The brain is a powerful organ. Your mind is even more powerful.

The struggle is actually REAL when it comes to Anxiety and Depression.

Writer of relationships / early childhood and mental health . Poetry and fiction dabbler

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